Some would say anxiety is a disease but I would say it’s not, it is a condition which means it is reversible. I am a living testimony of that. I was terrified of eating with others, even with close friends. I could get panic attacks but no one noticed because I was the master at showing a proper controlled face to the world, yet my inside was like a hurricane. I developed lots of skills to make sure no one noticed. I went to the toilet, I went to get some water, and some times I just left to let the steam out of the system.
This went on for many years and it was very very exhausting and it wore me down. Or it wore something down, something that’s been part of my behaviour for a long time; the need to control things, the need to appear perfect, the need to show an exterior that said everything was fine when that was not always the case.
I think I was quite remote from people before this happened. Up on a pedestal out of reach from people, and I liked it that way. I was never questioned for being this way yet some surely could feel it. During this period I also got very severe acne that had to be treated medically. This was another thing that felt to me devastating since I relied a lot on my looks, but now I couldn’t do that anymore and I was left feeling quite miserable, yet I always kept a well managed appearance that everything was fine.
Eventually I couldn’t keep this façade up any longer so I basically said when I felt this way what was going on and the funny thing was that nothing big happened part from me feeling very relieved. Some were a bit surprised that the most social guy on earth could feel this way, but part from that no big deal really yet for me it was like the heaven’s had opened up.
These feelings of strong anxiety and panic could still arise but now I had found a way to deal with it, and what I’ve discovered over the years is that anxiety is not something real yet it can feel very real if we give it power. It wants us to think that it’s mighty and strong and we are less but it if we give it a closer look it’s naught and it vanishes, yet up until that point it has all the strength in the word just because we give it that strength. It’s like a hologram, it’s just a mirage, stop giving it power and it will cease to be.
This might sound easy and it actually is but let me explain a bit more about why anxiety can come into our system.
We are made to shine, we are made to be who we truly are and that is something we cannot eradicate or take away it’s just the way it is. Holding ourselves back, holding what we have within us back will however create a huge block in our bodies that will eventually burst in one way or another. Anxiety is just us holding ourselves back, not speaking up, not wanting to be seen, us hiding from the world. It’s a tension that we create in our bodies. Now some might feel too afraid to be who they truly are and that might be fair to say but then we have to ask ourselves why that is; are we not encouraged to be who we truly are from young, are we made to think we have to be something, do something? We all know the answer to that don’t we so then we have to educate ourselves back knowing that it’s safe again. It feels like I could go on talking about this forever, and I will keep this conversation going, this is just the beginning.
With lots of love for now,